Bathroom Blunders

So I have had some unpleasant incidents over the years and I would really like to share them. Although, most of my friends who will dare to read this some day will know them. But I thought I’d get them down on paper.

My first “run in” with the # 2 was about 8 years ago when I was on vacation with some friends. So as we’re on the way home from Hilton Head, as you all know is A LONG drive, especially for someone who has to go # 2 as frequently as some go # 1, I demanded that we pull into this so called restaurant/gas station to fill up and unload if you know what I mean... As skanky as this place was, when I came out of the bathroom clear in the back of the eatery I noticed a few of the hillbilly patrons starting at what I’m going to call “disbelief” in hindsight…

As I got into the car, put my seat belt on , and got situated about a mile down the road I happened to look down at my leg, of which I was wearing shorts, and notice a large smudge of # 2 on my thigh. To which the car almost crashed from laughter and “disbelief“. Now, it is at this point I will insert the question for you after I know you are all thoroughly grossed out. How in the effing hell, Leslie, did you get shit on your leg? To which I will answer that for you, I have no effing idea.

Maybe the next story will help… but I have to say first, that there are so many to even write that I will just give you a little taste into what my husband has to put up with.

It was winter when I was court reporting for the hearing impaired students at OSU and so wearing a winter coat, being dressed up, heals, lecture halls of about 400 students, and carrying 20lbs of luggage often had it’s trying moments. Now, I know with my “issues” of going # 2 that I CANNOT under any circumstances drink coffee and then go somewhere without having to “GO”. On this day, I was running late to get to the lecture, so I chugged my coffee and slipped my beautiful Banana Republic red wool coat on and headed out the door. To which I parked my car and had to walk 5,000 miles to get to the hall and along the way I felt my tummy saying, “You’re a complete idiot. You should’ve went before you left the house. Muahhhh”

So I ran into the hall, straight to the bathroom - well, you couldn’t even call it a bathroom because the stalls were separated by shower curtains. So knowing that this was going to be sorta like a volcanic eruption that was brewing of years, I decided that with a lot of toilet paper I would muffle the volcano so that the person next to me would not be grossed out. Needless to say, I muffled the noise all right, and was on my way to the lecture. As I get set up next to the student (mind you I’m surrounded by 399 other people) I happen to look down at the sleeve on my coat to which there was a surprise… THE VOLCANIC ERUPTION RIGHT THERE ON MY EFFING SLEEVE. And I shit you not, the student says to me so loudly, because he can’t hear himself talking… “Ewwww. Can you smell that?” At that moment in time I thought I was going to die.

I will leave you with that. Thank you # 2 and good night.